Bigger Than Me

 

 

With all that I am, I know there must be something bigger than me, a God, a Higher Power, Spirit, whatever you need to call it.  But my past has made figuring out what this entity does for me or TO me difficult to define.  I was encouraged to believe that God was all knowing and loving but also strict and could be unforgiving.  I was told, by my father no less, that God damned Esau, Jacob's brother, before he was born so I would be saved unless of course I was like Esau.  So when someone speaks of an all loving God, it is not the one I was raised to know.  And untethering myself from those dogmatic strings has shaken my foundation to its core but also let me become wide open to possibilties that seem to make more sense to me.

 

That being said, I find it hard for me to indulge in traditional Christianity.  In my wider scoped definition of Spirit, I find comfort in believing that He would love me enough to offer me more than one path to Him.  And in doing so,  I find love in all religions being the common thread.  To me this makes sense, and gives me more comfort. 

 

 

I say all of this to make the point that when I see the tears of my daughter, wash the face of a dying patient, or watch a magnificent sunset while holding my love's hand, there is no fiber in my being that does not know, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is something greater than me, that loves me and wants good things for me and is pointing me towards greater purpose for my life.  And I know that the tears, the face, the sunset are Spirit that is in me, making it possible to connect with the Spirit in other people.  For me, today, this is my lesson.  Spirit is a part of me, a part of you and a part of everything!

 

Taking this a step further, I love my daughter.  I can't imagine loving anything or anyone more than my only child.  But imagine if I could! Imagine if I can open myself up enough so that the flow of love that streams through me for everyone I come in contact with is equal to the love I have for my child.  How would that change my world? YOUR world?  This IS bigger than me! But it is also as small as me.  I am the pebble that can start this universal ripple of love that can change everything. 

 

And so it starts.  There is a Spirit that tells me that this is my path. My purpose on this cosmic dot is to give love and receive love. I don't know where this path leads but I am ready, not unafraid, but definitely ready.  I've felt this for a long time actually but I didn't have the depth to do anything but hold it within me. Alas, I can’t hold it in me anymore, it's way bigger than me.  

STAY OUT OF THE DITCH!

 

A friend told me once his counselor said his behavior was like driving in a ditch.  You know, one tire goes off the road and you have to pull so hard on the wheel to get the car back on the road or the ditch seems to pull you further off the road! 

I could relate to that in so many ways.  In the past, I have charged at life, plowing my way through difficulties, trying desperately to find a place where my life wouldn't require so much energy from me.  It felt like I was driving a car in the ditch.  I could see other people driving beside of me that didn’t seem to be fighting so hard.  And yet, here I was fighting just to maintain my precarious position, but always pushing on. 

And then, by some miracle, I jerk the wheel hard and all four tires land back on the road. All is right and now I just have to maintain...keep the wheels between the lines. But inevitably life throws a skunk in the road and I swerve! BAM! Just like that, that dang tire is back in the ditch and the fight starts all over again 

So what’s the trick? Stop swerving! Hold steady and trust that the skunk will move or you can miss it. Find that faith inside of you that your path is your path. And if a skunk is there, well, your life might stink for a bit but it will pass. 

It just takes less energy to keep on track. Set your goals and boundaries and stick to them. And it’s not a race. The other drivers don’t really matter. They have their own paths and  their own skunks. Your journey is about you. Pay attention and slow down when you need to. Rest when you need to. Stop, grab a bite, take a walk and stretch your legs. Wherever you are going will be there. Take your time  So stay out of the ditch!