Bigger Than Me

 

 

With all that I am, I know there must be something bigger than me, a God, a Higher Power, Spirit, whatever you need to call it.  But my past has made figuring out what this entity does for me or TO me difficult to define.  I was encouraged to believe that God was all knowing and loving but also strict and could be unforgiving.  I was told, by my father no less, that God damned Esau, Jacob's brother, before he was born so I would be saved unless of course I was like Esau.  So when someone speaks of an all loving God, it is not the one I was raised to know.  And untethering myself from those dogmatic strings has shaken my foundation to its core but also let me become wide open to possibilties that seem to make more sense to me.

 

That being said, I find it hard for me to indulge in traditional Christianity.  In my wider scoped definition of Spirit, I find comfort in believing that He would love me enough to offer me more than one path to Him.  And in doing so,  I find love in all religions being the common thread.  To me this makes sense, and gives me more comfort. 

 

 

I say all of this to make the point that when I see the tears of my daughter, wash the face of a dying patient, or watch a magnificent sunset while holding my love's hand, there is no fiber in my being that does not know, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is something greater than me, that loves me and wants good things for me and is pointing me towards greater purpose for my life.  And I know that the tears, the face, the sunset are Spirit that is in me, making it possible to connect with the Spirit in other people.  For me, today, this is my lesson.  Spirit is a part of me, a part of you and a part of everything!

 

Taking this a step further, I love my daughter.  I can't imagine loving anything or anyone more than my only child.  But imagine if I could! Imagine if I can open myself up enough so that the flow of love that streams through me for everyone I come in contact with is equal to the love I have for my child.  How would that change my world? YOUR world?  This IS bigger than me! But it is also as small as me.  I am the pebble that can start this universal ripple of love that can change everything. 

 

And so it starts.  There is a Spirit that tells me that this is my path. My purpose on this cosmic dot is to give love and receive love. I don't know where this path leads but I am ready, not unafraid, but definitely ready.  I've felt this for a long time actually but I didn't have the depth to do anything but hold it within me. Alas, I can’t hold it in me anymore, it's way bigger than me.  

STAY OUT OF THE DITCH!

 

A friend told me once his counselor said his behavior was like driving in a ditch.  You know, one tire goes off the road and you have to pull so hard on the wheel to get the car back on the road or the ditch seems to pull you further off the road! 

I could relate to that in so many ways.  In the past, I have charged at life, plowing my way through difficulties, trying desperately to find a place where my life wouldn't require so much energy from me.  It felt like I was driving a car in the ditch.  I could see other people driving beside of me that didn’t seem to be fighting so hard.  And yet, here I was fighting just to maintain my precarious position, but always pushing on. 

And then, by some miracle, I jerk the wheel hard and all four tires land back on the road. All is right and now I just have to maintain...keep the wheels between the lines. But inevitably life throws a skunk in the road and I swerve! BAM! Just like that, that dang tire is back in the ditch and the fight starts all over again 

So what’s the trick? Stop swerving! Hold steady and trust that the skunk will move or you can miss it. Find that faith inside of you that your path is your path. And if a skunk is there, well, your life might stink for a bit but it will pass. 

It just takes less energy to keep on track. Set your goals and boundaries and stick to them. And it’s not a race. The other drivers don’t really matter. They have their own paths and  their own skunks. Your journey is about you. Pay attention and slow down when you need to. Rest when you need to. Stop, grab a bite, take a walk and stretch your legs. Wherever you are going will be there. Take your time  So stay out of the ditch! 

NOT MY MEMORY

I wrote this in 2013, bit the feelings are still the same. 

 

In the 1970's there was a picture of a small Vietnamese girl running down the street after being burned from napalm. That picture was everywhere for years. THAT picture is as fresh in my mind as any of my family photos.

In the aftermath of the Boston Marathon Bombings, I am sheltering myself from news broadcast, newspapers and even social media conversations about the event. It's not that I am not horrified and concerned about this event, but as an overly sensitive person, I find myself overwhelmed by all the coverage.

I care...deeply, but this didn't happen to me. If I watch all the coverage and footage, it becomes imprinted in my mind. It will become MY memory as if it did happen to me. I would feel such empathy for everyone involved that their suffering would become my suffering.

What I have come to realize is something has to change. Either I have to hear less of the bad catastrophes of the world or I have to change into a less caring person, less of what makes me, me.

I'm not wanting to live in a fantasy world. I'm not wanting to bury my head in the sand. But I also don't want to know every detail of every horrible event that happens or hear them until they are etched so deep upon my soul that I "remember" them too.

I know that bad things can happen and there will still be beautiful and goodness in the world. Those are the stories I am choosing to look for out of Boston. And there are plenty. From runners running to the hospitals to try and donate blood and people in the city opening up their homes to people stranded after the bombing to runners giving their medals to other runners that didn't make it across the finish line.

Goodness will always overcome. Love will always conquer hate. And Fox or MSN News will never convince me otherwise.

Journey To Joy

There are times that joy sneaks up on me. Like at 2 AM on a week night ,when I find myself awake, chatting online with a nighttime working friend and we share dreams and laughs and fears. When I eat yogurt in bed and look to see bright pink scattered throughout my room; pink rain boots, pink pillows, new pink phone case that someone gave me. Is it safe to say I have a favorite color?

It's been a long road to here tonight, but I truly honestly feel joy right now! Not the fleeting kind but the deep down in my soul joy that I know has marked my heart forever.

And do you want to know the secret to get here? It's not earth shaking, giant movements. It's the tiniest of steps, not even focusing on a big picture. Instead it's focusing on just the next step, the next best choice, and slowly trusting that I know where that foot needs to land next. I've had lots of guides along the way, some holding my hand, 

some nudging me forward when I'm too scared to move. 

And it hasn't been without some discomfort but believe me when I tell you the view from my heart in the wee hours of this morn, it was worth it! Joy is worth the effort! 

Come join me!

Finding My Way

I fell asleep to the thought "Can you help me Sister? I seem to have lost my way" looping in my mind. I visualized myself on a journey traveling up a mountainside trail that was filled with women, all seemingly holding some secret to help me find my way to happiness.  In my vision, I was desperate and scared, almost begging for the women to help me. 

When I woke up, I still had those words looping in my head.  "Can you help me Sister? I seem to have lost my way." But now the meaning of those words was completely different.  In my slumber, I untangled those words to realize that MY WAY is not a destination that I am searching for.  MY WAY is how I travel this journey.   I am not lost! I am not on the wrong trail! I was just looking at the wrong thing. 

I doesn't matter where I am today.  How I am living, what I am focusing on, and what I chose to be at this moment is what matters.  Things happen in this life that I can't control but I can control how I react to them.  And if I wish for things to be different, what I have the power to change is my reaction to my circumstances. 

On a side note, I also woke up thinking what a wonderful idea for a new tattoo:  FINDING MY WAY tattooed on my instep.  It would hold both meanings for me.  :-)

READY OR NOT, HERE IT COMES!!

READY OR NOT, HERE IT COMES!!

 

 

I have tried to start this blog for a long time; I HAVE started this blog before.  But each time, fear controlled me and I didn't allow myself to write from my sacred place. And what I have realized is that I haven't allowed me to be me.  The solution: Write from my sacred place and present it to a sacred place.

 

I have chosen to keep this blog private and chose the audience so that I can alleviate some of the fear for myself. I plan on being brutally honest here and exposing the part of myself that I hide from most people.  It is my selfish desire to heal myself but also to reach other people who share some of the same vulnerability that I have.  So many people have shared their vulnerability with me in this journey showing me that if your spirit has been damaged from your past, they only way to heal it is to open  it up, spill out the hurt and expose it to love.  As scary as that is, it is the only way for your spirit to become whole again. 

 

I would like to say that I am looking forward to 2013, that I think it is going to be my year. I would like to be shouting from the rooftops that I AM HERE! But I am not shouting, I am barely whispering but I am here.  I am growing and I am not stopping. I am on a journey that is leading me to myself.  I can not stop this journey anymore than I can stop breathing, for to stop would mean I am no longer me. 

 

The word I chose for 2013 is trust.  That seems to be the cornerstone to so many of my issues.  I want to learn to trust the Universe to be a loving and guiding force for me.  I want to learn to trust myself, my own voice to guide me to a place where I am safe and loved.  I want to learn to trust my partner in a realistic way that lets me connect with him in a deeper level.  And I want to regain the feeling that the world is a beautiful gift bestowed upon me that is mine just for the asking.

 

So 2013, get ready because here it comes!  I am taking this step into the unknown.  Fear is present but today it is not my northern star.  Today, my leading force is LOVE, love for myself, love for possibilities, love for my past and my future.  I am a force to be reckoned with so HOLD ON!!